A PHOTO

Paranoia.

It keeps us awake at night, then when we finally fall asleep, it haunts our dreams. It keeps us looking over our shoulder. When we hear a laugh or a whisper, we get self conscious. It makes us hide away from people, wanting to hear what people really think, but we’re too afraid to hear it. We always want to say something, but never say it because the response might be negative. We’re afraid of secrets, but keep so many of our own like everyone else. When problems arise, we keep it to ourselves and hope that people don’t find out. It’s a cycle that doesn’t end until we put a stop to it, and even then it always comes back with a vengeance. Finally, when the paranoia gets to us, we take it out on ourselves, and then we don’t stop until it’s over.

A PHOTO

I just liked the way my tattoo came out in this picture XD

So, I guess I feel like getting this off my chest and putting this out there. Ready for the whiney, sappy, emo story? Growing up, I didn’t really have any friends until I was 10. Friends I had before either moved away, or they weren’t actually my friend. When my parents sent us to play outside, I rode my bike by myself or if they wanted me to stay in the neighborhood, I talked to other adults. When I was 10, I did this library reading program thing where I helped little kids with the games to pick out what book they’d read, and that’s where I met my first best friend (we’ll call her C) and her sister. Shortly after, I turned 11 and sixth grade started. C introduced me to my new best friends, A and N. That was my first real experience with friends. We spent time together outside of school, had sleep overs, watched movies, danced around to different songs.

When I was 13, we moved from where we were to the city I live now. I made lots of friends at first, but none of them were real friends. There are actually only a couple of them that I can recall actually being real people, real friends. The rest of them were cruel and said the worst things about me. I ignored it though because I just wanted friends and I figured it was just a “bad day” or that I was in the wrong or some silly excuse like that. I did happen to keep one of these people close to me for years, and she fooled me for years.

High school rolled around the next year and I never saw most of those people ever again (which I’m totally okay with). The fall semester of my freshman year was probably the worst time of my life. My grandmother died, a close friend committed suicide, I had bad dating/sexual experiences. It’s a time that took me a couple years to deal with. To make a long story short, I had boyfriends, I had friends that I thought were real, but truly weren’t, a couple friends I kept in my life after high school, and for most of them, we just drifted apart. I fell in love, I fell in lust, and I had what I thought were good relationships, but really weren’t. It was your usual craziness.

Sadly (more pathetically), it took me until this year to get rid of the last bad people in my life. People who used me for my transportation or the fact that I was just nice enough to listen to all their problems and try to help solve them. People who assumed I was out to sabotage them based on something that happened years ago that they just won’t accept happened. It’s honestly refreshing to have so many good people in my life, but at the same time, I get worried. A lot.

My whole life, people have said the things I either hated most about myself or they lied about me or told my secrets behind my back. I never found out til later, and there are things I still don’t know to this day. I know it happens to everyone, but I have never been really sure I could fully trust people. I even wonder about my own husband sometimes (and that’s probably the worst of all).

I get paranoid on a regular basis if my friends actually like me, if they want me around, if they want my company, what they’re saying about me behind my back, what they’re not telling me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. When I get this spurts of paranoia, I feel like hiding away, not talking to anyone. I become very seclusive because I don’t want to flip out at people if I feel like they’re keeping something from me. I’ve never flipped out at anyone, but lately I feel like my paranoia has been getting worse. My husband and I were having some problems last fall and I had to distance myself from my friends a bit to fix my martial problems. We’ve been married for 2 and a half years, it was bound to happen. But, we’re doing a lot better now and I feel like distancing myself has possibly taken a price on my friendships. I feel so disconnected from them sometimes, and I get ridiculously bummed out when they do stuff without me.

I feel like I should be having a social life as much as possible while my son is still young and while I’m still going through school. I want to be young while I can. I’m not saying I wanna go out to bars and clubs and get trashed as much as humanly possible, but I do want to live my life a bit more before I feel like I can’t. My son’s turning two in a couple months and I still have a year and a half left of school. I guess I just don’t want to lose myself while being a mother, a sister, or a student. I should still be me, but I should still be a mom, a sister, and a student too. Not just one or the other. I should be all four and more maybe. I feel like lately I’m not allowed to be all four. I have to be one or the other…

And now I’m just going around in circles. See, this is paranoia for you, folks. It’s ridiculous and can ruin a peace-of-mind. Don’t ever be like this. Do the best you can to have faith in people and get the bad ones who do you nothing but wrong out of your life before you get messed up, like me. Let’s hope their aren’t anymore posts like this, I might just scare everyone away XD.

Back to my optimistic self now :] A good rant is good for the mind.