Random fact #10: I always wanted to perform. Show choir, dancing, back-up singer, broadway, all of it. I wanted to do at least one of those things.
Music is apart of everyone’s lives. Just a fact of life. No matter what we do, music is around us. Randomly in the street for change, walking around a store or mall, in the car, at school, in the movies, it’s everywhere. My music history isn’t really anything too special. Some of the music I remember to first listening to when I was little was Disney, Sheryl Crow, Wilson Phillips, Hanson, NSYNC, Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys. This is outside of the usual stuff they have you sing in music class at school, but that’s where it all started. Then it added on with Avril Lavigne, Michelle Branch, No Doubt—I started developing my own “music personality” and it changed as I kept shaping in a new person. Some time in late seventh grade to eighth grade, Nirvana, New Found Glory, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, and other rock bands like that became my place in the music abyss. Throughout high school, it pretty much stayed that way until I got sick of letting certain people attack and control who I was. Now I listen to anything from Sara Evans to Kerli to Katy Perry to The Pretty Reckless to Something Corporate to Queen to Nat King Cole. The list goes on and on…
One thing stayed consistent through all of this. I wanted to sing and dance. When I was little, I wanted to take tap dancing lessons, but never mentioned it due to the fact I was shy, even around my own family, and everyone constantly putting me down. In fourth grade, I played the cello and was apart of choir. In fifth grade, I played the flute and choir still. Seventh grade was choir (which included a production of Pompadours & Poodle Skirts where I played Poltsky), eighth grade was guitar, freshman year was piano, sophomore year was concert choir, and senior year (the bit I was there for) was musical theatre. This was all added to my occasional dancing and lip syncing in my room (or living room for now years). My life has been spent dreaming about being on stage, travelling around the world and watching all those flashes from the audience of cameras.
Now, my problem… I’m not really all that talented… I can harmonize with people, I can get into a dance if I know the moves, I could probably help write something or produce something. Another problem, I have awful stage fright. I can be out there if I’m in a crowd (choir and back-up), but put me front-and-center and you’ll see exactly what a panic attack looks like. I’ve grown up in the background. My sisters were always more likely to take center stage than me. My oldest sister being an amazing cellist, my older sister having this charisma (despite her occasional rotten personality) and artistic talent, and my younger sister having a voice that’s solo worthy… I always just ended up in the back.
The constant verbal attacks from everyone around me—family and peers—made me into a coward (to put it bluntly). I never fought to be better than anyone else. I never tried to be competitive. I always bent around other people rather than tried to make my own shape. I think it eventually took its toll when I ended up all by myself, no friends talking to me really, and I had no idea who I was. I didn’t have anyone shape around. Three months almost with my parents, little sister, and someone I hardly knew (or let in for that matter). I sunk into a depression that took me months to crawl out of. Longer than most people knew.
Even when I mended my life and broken bridges, I just fell back into the same shape with some cracks in it, but still struggled to figure myself out. Married and with a son, I still had no idea who I was and my marriage almost suffered for it. My husband and I fixed our marriage, and I started doing dipping my toe in different waters. I re-pierced my lip, I experimented with hair colors, wore clothes I would’ve worn in high school, started listening to some old music.
The one thing remained constant though. With every thing going on, I always felt better after singing a few songs at the top of my lungs (and I’m not spectacular singer either XD) and started dancing around, even in my car. I accept that my dreams of being apart of a music world may never happen, that I’ll never be an amazing singer or an awesome dancer. I’ll never be on broadway, or be a back-up singer for someone like Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I’ll keep on dreaming though anyway, keep dancing around my living room after I put my son to bed, and keep singing at the top of my lungs while driving wherever I’m going.
Music has always been a constant thing in my life and I will never let it go. I’ll never stop daydreaming about being a star. That’s what keeps me going when my life is good, but I’m feeling down. Cause even when I’m broke, can’t pay my electric bill, frustrated about not being able to get a job, I have my daydreams. Now and forever.