Sometimes I feel silly posted on Tumblr all my ridiculous thoughts that run through my brain on a very random, constant basis. But, when you have a brain that goes almost nonstop, you have to write it down. I was always a better typer than a writer, and I was always better at expressing my feelings writing/typing them down. Never been much of a speaker (as mentioned in previous entries).

Then there’s always the subject of: “Well, if you didn’t want the whole world to see it, why did you post on Tumblr, you doofus?” And that’s where I start feeling a bit old because I remember when deadjournal and livejournal were HUGE. Everyone had one. Everyone wrote down their inner thoughts on a daily or weekly basis. As all networking sites though, it came to an end. I actually miss it. A lot. There’s no point though because the sites don’t work because no one feels the point of fixing the glitches of websites that people don’t care about anymore. Fact of life.  If they were still around and functional, I’d use ‘em. Then my thoughts could be kept a bit more private and only shared with my friends. Then, people would mention or gossip about my latest entry and everyone would know about it anyway.

"Well, you know, there are privacy settings…" Even with privacy settings, things are not actual private anymore. Where we live, where we eat, where we hangout, where we drink, where we do grocery shopping, etc. Heck, even someone can hack another computer’s webcam and see exactly where your computer is and possibly figure out your location just with that.

Privacy is a lost art. No one has any privacy at all. Unless you’re really good at keeping your own secrets. I keep plenty of my thoughts to myself and facts about myself to myself. I still have things I haven’t told my husband, and I know there are things about him I don’t know.

Um, yeah… end tangent because now I’m distracted.


Random fact #10: I always wanted to perform. Show choir, dancing, back-up singer, broadway, all of it. I wanted to do at least one of those things.

Music is apart of everyone’s lives. Just a fact of life. No matter what we do, music is around us. Randomly in the street for change, walking around a store or mall, in the car, at school, in the movies, it’s everywhere. My music history isn’t really anything too special. Some of the music I remember to first listening to when I was little was Disney, Sheryl Crow, Wilson Phillips, Hanson, NSYNC, Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys. This is outside of the usual stuff they have you sing in music class at school, but that’s where it all started. Then it added on with Avril Lavigne, Michelle Branch, No Doubt—I started developing my own “music personality” and it changed as I kept shaping in a new person. Some time in late seventh grade to eighth grade, Nirvana, New Found Glory, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, and other rock bands like that became my place in the music abyss. Throughout high school, it pretty much stayed that way until I got sick of letting certain people attack and control who I was. Now I listen to anything from Sara Evans to Kerli to Katy Perry to The Pretty Reckless to Something Corporate to Queen to Nat King Cole. The list goes on and on…

One thing stayed consistent through all of this. I wanted to sing and dance. When I was little, I wanted to take tap dancing lessons, but never mentioned it due to the fact I was shy, even around my own family, and everyone constantly putting me down. In fourth grade, I played the cello and was apart of choir. In fifth grade, I played the flute and choir still. Seventh grade was choir (which included a production of Pompadours & Poodle Skirts where I played Poltsky), eighth grade was guitar, freshman year was piano, sophomore year was concert choir, and senior year (the bit I was there for) was musical theatre. This was all added to my occasional dancing and lip syncing in my room (or living room for now years). My life has been spent dreaming about being on stage, travelling around the world and watching all those flashes from the audience of cameras.

Now, my problem… I’m not really all that talented… I can harmonize with people, I can get into a dance if I know the moves, I could probably help write something or produce something. Another problem, I have awful stage fright. I can be out there if I’m in a crowd (choir and back-up), but put me front-and-center and you’ll see exactly what a panic attack looks like. I’ve grown up in the background. My sisters were always more likely to take center stage than me. My oldest sister being an amazing cellist, my older sister having this charisma (despite her occasional rotten personality) and artistic talent, and my younger sister having a voice that’s solo worthy… I always just ended up in the back.

The constant verbal attacks from everyone around me—family and peers—made me into a coward (to put it bluntly). I never fought to be better than anyone else. I never tried to be competitive. I always bent around other people rather than tried to make my own shape. I think it eventually took its toll when I ended up all by myself, no friends talking to me really, and I had no idea who I was. I didn’t have anyone shape around. Three months almost with my parents, little sister, and someone I hardly knew (or let in for that matter). I sunk into a depression that took me months to crawl out of. Longer than most people knew.

Even when I mended my life and broken bridges, I just fell back into the same shape with some cracks in it, but still struggled to figure myself out. Married and with a son, I still had no idea who I was and my marriage almost suffered for it. My husband and I fixed our marriage, and I started doing dipping my toe in different waters. I re-pierced my lip, I experimented with hair colors, wore clothes I would’ve worn in high school, started listening to some old music.

The one thing remained constant though. With every thing going on, I always felt better after singing a few songs at the top of my lungs (and I’m not spectacular singer either XD) and started dancing around, even in my car. I accept that my dreams of being apart of a music world may never happen, that I’ll never be an amazing singer or an awesome dancer. I’ll never be on broadway, or be a back-up singer for someone like Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. I’ll keep on dreaming though anyway, keep dancing around my living room after I put my son to bed, and keep singing at the top of my lungs while driving wherever I’m going.

Music has always been a constant thing in my life and I will never let it go. I’ll never stop daydreaming about being a star. That’s what keeps me going when my life is good, but I’m feeling down. Cause even when I’m broke, can’t pay my electric bill, frustrated about not being able to get a job, I have my daydreams. Now and forever.


This describes a lot of girls I used to know PERFECTLY :P


Flaw - Recognize

Just about sums it all up.



For those of you that are interested in Special FX makeup, here is a small compilation of some of my SFX work.
Top left, we have a bit of a fun “accident” scene! CD in the head! An unlikely scenario but great to look at!
Top right with have a laceration to the head. Hypothetically caused by an ashtray being whacked over the victims forehead. Good times!
Bottom left, a burns victim. This was a Halloween look for a grim reaper! But also passable as someone who has been horrifically burnt.
Last one on the bottom right, is an acid burn to the hand. A possible scientific experiment gone wrong! Skin all melted and open.
Hope none of you were tucking into food while browsing my blog ;)


List of cosplays that I would LOVE to do!:

  • Hachiko from NANA
  • Dinah from Bizenghast
  • Sailor Pluto from Sailor Moon
  • Sailor Moon from Sailor Moon
  • Sailor Chibi Moon from Sailor Moon (just to wear all the pink, lol)
  • Sonic from Sonic the Hedgehog (You know you wanna see a sexy Sonic, ;D)
  • Lenne from Final Fantasy X-2
  • Definitely a few of the dress spheres from Final Fantasy X-2
  • Aerith from Final Fantasy VII
  • Melfina from Outlaw Star
  • Sango from Inuyasha (fighting uniform)
  • Vanille from Final Fantasy XIII
  • And more that I will finish later.

Moulin Rouge! - One Day I’ll Fly Away (Nicole Kidman) (by xLolaxSelvix)

Why live life from dream-to-dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?


"Don’t worry about it!"

One of the most irritating phrases in the history of mankind. "Don’t worry about it." It’s so effing annoying to hear in most situations. I’m a worry-wart, so naturally, I worry about stuff. Especially when it comes to my family and friends. A friend-of-a-friend passes away, I worry about that friend and what they’re doing to cope. Are they using healthy methods or are they using unhealthy methods? I worry when my family is going through something they shouldn’t have to. For example, getting back together with a manipulative, abusive assface.

Now, last week-ish, I get a call from my mother telling me all this dramatic stuff is happening and tells me, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not your problem to fix.” Bullshit it isn’t! Of course, that’s my first thought, but then I realize it’s not my problem and I try to fix it anyway. I’m a problem solver kinda person. It sucks. I like fixing problems, it makes my world go ‘round. I stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong sometimes and try to fix whatever is going on. Then when it does get fixed, I get this happy, warm feeling… Like, a really great hug feeling. Either way, when the problem doesn’t get fixed or an outcome turns out bad, I get all grumpy and bitter.

Did I mention that being a problem solving person sucks?


Anyway, I guess what’s really irritating me right now is seeing some I deeply care for and I take care of emotionally when I’m able is making one of the worst mistakes ever right now. Essentially, they’re just proving that they believe they’re insecure, could never do any better, are purely just settling, and they don’t believe they should be happy. It’s very disappointing and I feel like everything I’ve done to make sure that they know they’re important and significant is being thrown in my face. Everything I have done, all the advice and support I’ve given just means nothing. It hurts and it makes me feel mad. I almost don’t want to face them because I feel like smacking them across the face. I obviously won’t, but I know I’d feel better if I did.

Seriously, just… people need to stop blowing me off/ignoring me overall and understand that most of the time, I know what the fuck I’m talking about. Not to sound cocky or narcissistic, but I’ve had a lot of life experience in the short amount of years I’ve been alive, and apparently, I’m still giving advice that comes naturally to me to people who are 2-5 years older than me. Then they realize that I really am right and to stfu. The end.


One of these years for Halloween, I want to dress in all blue and glitter and run around, saying, “HEY! Listen!”

Reblogged from The Goddamn Kensei


Truth! #morning #sunday #irritated #storyofmylife (Taken with instagram)

Reblogged from brittneyemma!